Super Surprise

A wife bought a new sim and thought to surprise her husband with her new number. She went to the kitchen and called her husband. “Hello darling”, she said in romantic tone.
“Call me later my dear. That ugly statue is in kitchen right now and it’s possible for her to hear us” said her husband in low whispering voice.

Sorry

“I am so sorry dear. I’ve tried my best but my family is not allowing me to marry you.” He told her in a sad voice.
“Who exactly in your family is against our marriage?” inquired the girl.
“Well, one wife and four kids to be exact!”

Faithfull Wife

Judge yelled at the woman, “You should be ashamed of yourself. You betrayed your husband. You are not faithful at all!”

Woman replied, “Oh no no no, your honor. I haven’t betrayed him at all… He has!

“And how can you say that?” inquired Judge.

“He told me he’ll return home after a week, and returned the same day he left!” Woman explained.

Keep Your Promise

A person received a letter that said:
“If you fail to pay us a million dollar within one month we will kidnap your wife”

He replied, “Dear Sir, it is depressing to say that I can’t fulfill your demand. But I have faith in you and I believe that you WILL certainly keep your promise”

To be exact

“I am so sorry dear. I’ve tried my best but my family is not allowing me to marry you.” He told her in a sad voice. “Who exactly in your family is against our marriage?”  the girl asked. “Well, one wife and four kids to be exact!”

One-liners

My wife hired a fact checker for when we argue.

Absent-minded

An absent-minded person went to a hospital and accompanied his doctor friend. After 4 hours of constant chat, he got up to leave.
“Pay my regards to your wife” said the doctor.
“Oh My GOD!” yelled that person “My wife suffered heart attack four hours ago and I had come to you to call you God damn it!”

Wrong Number

A man dialed a number,
“Hello my love, I was thinking I should call you. Miss me?”
“Are you in your mind? You quarreled with me this morning and went out of the house rashly” his wife replied.
“Oh, Crap! Did I dial my home number?”

The Well

A man was telling his friend,
“Two days ago, my wife fell down in a well, a dry well. She was hurt badly and screamed the hell out of me”
“Oh My God! What did you do then? Is she alright now?” His friend inquired.
“Yes she’s alright. Today’s the third day and no voice was coming out of the well when I checked this noon”

Somewhere New

A man asked his wife: honey where would you want to go for our anniversary? She said “somewhere I haven’t been to before!” he replied “Ok so what about the kitchen??”         

How can I know

James’s wife woke him up in the middle of the night and said, “I’m going outside to pee. Pass me the candle that I left over to your left side?”

James was now quite annoyed that she woke him up, and said to her, “do you really expect me to know my left from my right in the dark!”

Chemical Formula

Teacher: who can write the chemical formula of water for us on the board?

Student: I can do that

(Student: goes to the board and starts writing H I J K L M….)

Teacher: what are you doing!!?

 Student: but you told us yesterday that it’s H-to- O

AB+

A boy who fell in love with a medical student, wrote a letter for her with his blood. He handed her the letter saying “I’ll wait for your reply”
A week later, he got a mail saying “Your blood group is AB+ and you got herpes. Stay blessed.”

Aging

A person felt pain in his right leg and went to the doctor.
“Diagnose me carefully, doc. I’ve got intense pain in my right leg”
Doctor diagnosed him and told him there was nothing to worry about. This pain is part of life and is due to aging. “But doc, how is this even possible? My both legs were born at the same time and are of same age”

Red light

An inspector was instructing a watchman, “Your patrolling duty is from this intersection to that red light. Spend the night here patrolling and report me in the morning”

That watchman didn’t report the next morning, or even the next day, or even the next whole week. Search operations were held up to find him but eventually he showed up after 10 days, fully messed up.

He explained, “Sir, the red light you showed was back light of a loading truck and it went on to almost 80 km”

Frog

“Be attentive class! Today I’m going to show you a frog and will teach you it’s mechanisms live”
Professor entered the class with this announcement.
“Here let me get it out of my pocket” He then searched his pocket and pulled out a piece of cake.
“Holy Crap! It’s a cake. Then what was that thing I ate on my way here?”

His neighbor

While walking on the beach, angry neighbor saw a glass bottle beside the tree. He quickly grabbed it and opened it. A huge puff of smoke appeared with strange noise.

“My lord, thank you for releasing me. In return, I will grant you whatever you like but only three wishes. But remember, your neighbor will have double of what you will ask”.

Standing in disbelief, the guy thought for a second and asked the Genie to grant million dollars. Bundle of dollars appeared at his feet with bang of light. Meanwhile, far away from him, his neighbor who always makes him angry got twice as him.

“My second wish is to grant me a car. With a glimpse of second, he got a nice Car. Exactly, at the same time his neighbor also got two Cars.

Gratefully, he wished for third wish and said “Okay genie, Blind one of my Eyes!”. 

Dead Friends

Three friends were traveling home when they had a car crash, and all three men lost their lives. They were asked a question “When you were in your casket and people mourned you, what would you like to hear them say about you?

Abraham answered, “I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my lifetime, healing people.” James said: “I would like to hear them say that I was a great farmer that fed the community with his farm products.”

The last guy replied, “I would like to hear them say, ‘LOOK, HE JUST OPENED ONE OF HIS EYES!”.

Back to

A person was telling his story, “One day I tried to cross the river by swimming but got fully tired when I reached the middle which was very deep”

“Oh, how did you managed to survive then?” another person inquired.

“Oh my dear you know how clever I am. I quickly turned around and swam back to where I started. I was sure I wouldn’t be able to make it forward”